the AOX

There are many little things in life that most of us find funny. They range from slapstick to the ironic to the bizarre. But one event, that happens every so often, transcends all three and forces a boisterous and relentless laughter from me whenever it pops up on the Internet.

This would be the attempted theft of an ATM machine (AKA: Cash Machine). 

No, I am not talking about sticking a shiv into some old lady’s back as she attempts to withdraw numerous $20 dollar bills she had originally planned to pack into birthday cards for the grand kids. No, I am not talking about showing up to one of these machines with a sledgehammer looking to bust it open and take the cash (and when not successful, peeing on the smashed machine in hopes of short circuiting the electronic camera before leaving the scene). I am talking about the physical theft of the actual machine.

It’s really quite astounding what goes through the minds of American people in terms of money. In some regards, the US isn’t much different today then it was in the nineteenth century; many people, mostly male, still have a Wild West frontier mentality. Get money; get paid. It is in our blood as Americans to take advantage of any financial possibility, and those damn ATM machines are so tempting. How hard would it be to call up a buddy with a pick-up truck and head to the local Kum and Go?

But instead of endangering the life of the clerk with a weapon, one might be considerate enough to just take their ATM. If no one is in the way as it tears across the store; no one gets hurt.

From my observations, all one has to do is tie a heavy gauge chain to the trailer hitch of the truck, walk into the store, and wrap the other end of the chain firmly around the ATM machine; run back to the truck and hit the gas. The best part about this is after the ATM rips through the store destroying everything in its path and smashing through the front door glass, one doesn’t have to worry about the damage inflicted to the actual machine (The money inside is well protected). The dispensary apparatus can be dragged down the street as the truck (Please don’t attempt this with anything less than a V8) does a blissful 75mph. It must be quite a sight to see the ATM machine wildly bouncing off the pavement and sparking a small light show of translucent sparks. Eventually though, it is important not to attract too much attention here, especially since one will most likely be intoxicated (seemed like a good idea at the time). Slow down several miles down the road and consider stopping with your cohort to lift and place the machine into the bed of the truck. It’s Now Yours!

(There is a chance that the machine has possibly been destroyed and the money now accessible…)

Assuming that one, and his accomplice, won’t be uniformed and will be in an unmarked pick up truck, it will be important to not draw any more attention. Especially since the ravaged ATM machine will be standing up in the bed of the truck. Bring a small blanket or quilt to cover the defeated machine. It will then resemble a refrigerator or dresser and won’t be questioned by the bystanders you pass (again, honking in celebration is discouraged here).

The last part of this caper is where my expertise sadly dries up like a cheap keg of Keystone Light at a SEC football game. I can’t imagine the exuberant impulse and adrenaline that accompanies viewing an ATM machine standing in the middle of a garage or even living room. The final, and ultimately harder step, is prying the machine open to receive the well earned fruits of your Austrian Free Market economic philosophy.

Until the second part of this article can be composed, here are some highlights:

sometimes it doesn’t work:

Thanks to all of the people who enacted this activity and those that posted on youtube.